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The Horror and Reality Awards--- AFC North Offseason:

Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, here they are, the H.A.R. awards for 2009 offseason, as voted on by the majority of intelligent football fans above the 38th parallel…

Best Draft Pick: Cincinnati Bengals, who took The University of Cincinnati punter Kevin Huber, after he lead the college punting world two consecutive years in net yards. Bengals Coach Marvin Lewis on the pick-up: “We are the type of team that likes punting… so why not be good at it?” Profound words of wisdom from a coach that has 8-8 tattooed on his lower back.

Best Trade (if you like getting rid of talent): Cleveland Browns, who after making the fans wait and wait through wrecks, staphs and injuries, shipped Kellen Winslow Jr. to Tampa Bay before getting their money’s worth. “It’s kinda like watching the Shawshank Redemption, ya know, sitting through the rape and boredom, only to have some fat idiot trade your DVD player right before Andy crawls through 500 yards of crap. Where’s the redemption? I mean, if Kellen was washed-up, then I wanted to see his knees slowly grind to dust in front of the Dawg Pound, not in Tampa,” commented Cleveland fan ‘Dawg Pound Mike’ on the trade.

Best Retirement: Pittsburgh Steelers, who announced the end for Fernando Bryant. High Priest Kohen Gadol was very concerned with this move: “The cornerback played for many different teams throughout his career… but much like I tell my disciples; it is not where you start or the direction of your travel. What matters is where you end up. Therefore, Bryant will be forever a Steeler, much like the sinner will be forever burning in hell.”

Best Waste of Money: Baltimore Ravens, signing Terrell Suggs to a 6-year, 62.5 million dollar contract. Baltimore Police Commissioner Frederick H. Bealefeld III was not optimistic, “Sure, we signed a great player to play in our city… but this city won’t exist in two months. You could blame the always-rising never-ending crime rate, God’s wrath, or the failure of our DNA to eliminate ourselves from the planet. Either way, we’re doomed, and as far as karma is concerned, the football team is the first to pay the piper.”

Best Super-Bowl Equipped Team: Cleveland Browns, for their entire body of work in the 2009 offseason. As the old football proverb says: “Move a couple players, change the coach, have the stars align, witness 16 regular season miracles, and have an unprecedented playoff run, and the Super Bowl is yours for the taking.” With that in mind, the Browns look solid for a deep run in 2009.

----Adam Doc Fox

1 comment:

  1. Best Introduction to the Media by a new Coach: Ryan in Cleveland.