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Dictator Goodell and His League of Felons

By Adam Doc Fox

“From now on, TV and radio personalities will no longer be announcing a player’s name or number. Instead, the call will consist of their crime,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in statement released today. It will go something like this…
“It’s third and ten from their own 25 yard-line. Assault n’ Battery is over the ball and hikes it back to Meth-Head. Meth-Head surveys the turf, looking downfield for DUI-Manslaughter. Uh-oh, pressure’s coming from Drug Trafficker and Domestic Violence as they look for the sack. Meth-Head avoids the tackle, throws a short pass out in the flat to Pedophile, who gets a great block from Raper, and he is forced out of bounds by Arson near the 35 yard-line, a gain of ten on the play.”

Maybe you’ve heard the bad joke about the “National Felon League” or caught an overzealous dad at a playground talking about the lack of role models in the NFL. Either way, most likely you’re aware that there are many felons employed by the NFL. But just so we are on the same page (pun intended), this article doesn’t care that all these crazy criminals play pro football. That would be like caring about steroids in baseball or black spots on ladybugs; some things just exist together.
What this article does care about is: 1) the double moral standard set-up and preached about by the dictator of the NFL and 2) how, in a country know for blowing up fascists, we allow our sports and recreation to be governed not by democracy, but by a dictator.

1) Führer Goodell Wants a Clean League, But Hires Maniacs
Again, bring all the felons that you want to the NFL. The “role model argument” should really be a “lack of parenting” argument. Sure kids are going to look up to athletes. When they go out and play you want them to perform like the greats. But much like telling them to chew their food up really well and spit out the fat; you must also instruct your offspring to grind up the NFL players and not consume the whole human.
Look up to the player’s fitness, work ethic on the field, concentration during a big game, etc. But don’t think you need to do everything the NFL player does, on and off the field. Look at the logic: Jonny Receiver has a 1,000-yard season and gets busted for Marijuana. So you are either raising a kid that thinks A) If I smoke weed in the offseason I’m going to be a big yard receiver or B) Wow, smoking pot can really hinder my success.
This is where Führer Goodell comes in and eliminates the double moral standard. Instead of Führer Goodell preaching about how clean and good the NFL is (which of course is a lie, since unlike any real clean jobs like teaching, law enforcement, etc., no felons are ever hired), he should come right out and say: “Yes, I personally re-instate criminals. There are a lot of bad men in this league. Please tell your kids to look at the player’s whole body of work before they worship them Jesus-style. Sorry kids, but sometimes people who torture dogs become serial killers, and sometimes they become million-dollar athletes. It’s called Humanity [in all its greatness].”

2. Why Do We Let Führer Goodell Run the NFL?
Mussolini’s body was taken to the Piazzale Loreto, hung upside down by meat hooks, and over many days, the free people of the world tore his body to pieces. That’s what you should do to fascists.
But here in “Sports America,” we let fascists rule our entertainment. How can one man say whether or not a violent criminal can play in a billion-dollar league watched by millions? How can one man suspend, re-instate, negotiate, monitor trade, and get to announce the Draft picks without any checks n’ balances in place? Where are the players? Where are the owners? Oh yes there is a players’ Union, but they can’t veto any decision made by Führer Goodell. And if they want to wait for a new commissioner… well, what a surprise, there aren’t any elections. Instead, Führer Goodell stays in power as long as he wants.
The point is, the NFL needs some power sharing. Give some choices to the fans; make each teams its own state with elected representatives that can actually counter the absolutism of Führer Goodell. Or you can just wait until all the jerseys have to have Führer Goodell’s picture on them with this quote underneath it: “Keep blindly following whatever I say; it will be good practice for when China takes over.”

----Adam Doc Fox


  1. You sound like a hippie,did u go to woodstock?Some body's gotta make the calls man!!

  2. 1st anonymous, i think its more about how these calls are being made and how their should be some power shared. Did you read the weed part and stop or something ?? great write up, i understood your point and couldnt agree more.

  3. Roger Goodell has made some really dumb decisions lately. His call to suspend Stallworth indefinitely because of the impact that the tragedy had on the deceased's family is inconsistent with prior rulings made by the Commish and beyond his role. He is not an Appellate Court, no matter how lenient he might believe the sentence was for Donte. He can suspend players, yes, but he should be citing the right reasons for doing so in accordance with his role (such as the NFL player code of conduct).

    Second, his decision to have the first round of the Draft next year on primetime Thursday night is stupid. Guys get together and party on Draft day - we like to do that on the weekend when we do not have to work! So much for that.

  4. I smoked weed at comfest once

  5. Is this Comfest??

  6. organized sports is a terrible activity. it's the church of male dominance and aggression. women, do what's good for you and turn the TV off on game day. make men beg for it ... and when they're at their breaking point, let them break.

  7. Sooooo, there are too many felons and "bad guys" in the NFL and it's going to be made better if we give those same people authority to overrule Goodell??

    Tyrants and Dictators are bad for countries but great for running businesses like the NFL.

    Long Live Her Goodell.

  8. It's a business, not a society. He holds the highest executive position in the company. He is elected by the board (the people making money off of the NFL). You start allowing commodities (players) to make decisions it would be like allowing your fax machine to veto your decision to send a corporate letter.
    In a business the primary objective is profit. If you make unpopular decisions you make less money. Trust in capitalism to keep the game entertaining for the masses. Unfortunately, that may not always include you. Tissue.
    Although, giving the impression of democracy to the fans and teams would be popular. People like to think they have a say. Do we get a day off work to cast our NFL vote? That's the only way I'm in.