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NFL to Curb Drinking— Get Wasted While You Can

By Adam Doc Fox

There is an old Cleveland legend, passed down through many generations, about a lonely crazy man who watched a Browns game sober. Sounds insane, but as the fable goes, he was too hung-over from a Jewish wedding the night before and consequently was puking throughout much of the first half of the game that next day--- unable to choke down a single beverage. The man felt as though he let his city and whole family down. Years later the guilt drove him to old Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh, where he found a place to hide under the stands and slowly drove a Ginsu knife through his heart. No one found the body for months and his flesh rot stink stuck to the black hairs inside the noses of all the Steelers fans in the arena. What would that man think now if he heard the NFL was trying to shorten tailgating time along with limiting the size and quantity of alcohol at the games?

Limiting Tailgating aka Why the Hell Would Anyone Go?
USA Today reported on 8/21/09, “The league is recommending that its 32 teams and 31 stadiums limit tailgating to 3.5 hours before games.” Can you imagine the Muni Lot or any other notorious pre-game party place being limited to three hours? The first thing wrong with this thought is simply being told what we can and can’t do outside the stadium on public land by a non-lawmaking body. The NFL does not get to transcend American law and culture and make something wrong that on any other day would be right. If it is accepted (and usually encouraged) in your city to get together with friends and family to cook, drink, smoke, choke, puke, etc., any amount of time before a sports match, then the NFL has no say in the matter. The NFL, which is an invented entity anyway, gets to regulate how many yards it costs you for holding, not how long fans can congregate outside.
Secondly, limiting tailgating is robbing you of the whole NFL experience. Going to a Browns game is expensive. In order to justify the hundreds spent on tickets and substance, one should feel like they received a whole days worth of activity. That means hours and hours of pre-game fun--- passing the football with your kids, doing shots with an otherwise shy co-worker that is emerging from her shell, spending concentrated hours over the grill getting those burgers just right, etc.
The bottom line is you can try to limit tailgating, but you will just have buzzed drivers driving to the game later with less-time to fill their bodies with food that soaks up some of that alcohol.

Limiting Size and Quantity of Alcohol aka Standing in Line For the Whole Game
The NFL, trying to replicate our government’s freedom oppression, made their own Patriot Act last year with the Fan Code of Conduct (yes, it should remind you of something you signed on your first day of high school). Taking that Code one step further this year, the league’s VP of Security Milt Ahlerich, wants fans to only buy a maximum of two beers per person. “If you want to buy one (beer), you can buy one. But you can’t buy four is our recommendation,” Ahlerich said. It should be recommended that someone get really drunk and punch that guy.
You can’t prevent a wastoid from drinking. If you limit their quantity, they will sneak in a flask. Everyone in the stadium should not have to suffer because paranoid Ahlerich thinks no one can handle their drinks.

So what’s the reality? Yes people get way too drunk from time to time at Browns games. But they do that everywhere. The solution isn’t shorter tailgating and smaller beer sizes at the games. It will be neat when Ahlerich runs for congress, and he makes a new law that when you go to the store, you can only buy one beer at a time. Cheers!

---Adam Doc Fox

7 comments:

  1. With the NFLs best reciever now future best kicker its gonna be hard for a browns guy not to need some extra drinkin time

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  2. Ah,the sweet smell of hypocrisy. At what point did we fully swallow the "athlete as role-model" lie? These are grown men playing games. Why do we give that so much importance in our culture? All you "serious" sports fans who scoff at pro wrestling or American Gladiators need to take a long look in the mirror. All sports are nothing but spectacle- the modern day version of the circus or the county fair. Why do we have to keep pretending there is something more too it? Hell, Anonymous one provides a great example- Chad Johnson, a clown wide receiver, changes his last name to "ochocinco"- the spanish translation of his jersey number. Seriously? And people clowned on the (now defunct) XFL for allowing player nicknames to be used on game jerseys. But really- is "ochocinco" any less cheeseball than Rod Smart's "He Hate Me" moniker? And now he's kicking extra points. Hmm, yeah, I guess there's a HUGE difference between Barnum & Bailey and the NFL.
    Let's stop the double standards and call it what it is; spectacle and distraction. It's an escape, just like alcohol. Take away the alcohol, and fans might have to confront a pretty stark reality- that their favorite pastime is just a bunch of grown men running around, playing games. Not so different from a rousing game of kickball at the local elementary school gym class.

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  3. Great article- says it all!

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  4. Lions fan and blogger checking in. Nice game , guys. The offense looked great , the defense looked great , and the return game shows the promise of touchdowns this year.

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  5. retarded rules year after year from the NFL is why my interest in the sport is falling quickly ....great write.

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  6. This is yet another example of Roger Goodell's stupid ideas and his Big Brother attitude. Suspending players because he doesn't like the sentences they receive in Court. Changing Draft Day to a work night so that guys can't get together and have a few drinks. And now trying to limit harmless partying, eating and socializing with friends and family at the Stadium. Roger needs to go.

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  7. Anon #2, I concur. Did I write that in an alcoholic induced blacked-out stupor? I don't think so but if I did I would like to add:
    Damn the man! If I ever go to a game it's for the atmosphere... the drunken one. If you want a to hang out with a bunch of 'classy' people, go to the opera. If you want to start a drunken brawl defending someone that doesn't know you exist, go to a ball game. I like the freakin' circus, it's fun. Cheers!

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