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To: Ohio-Born Steelers Fans

By Adam Doc Fox
When I see a Stillers fan within the state lines of Ohio, the first free state (meaning the first state to outlaw slavery) of our great Union, I always ask them, “From what part of Pittsburgh are you?” They always have the same “can someone please help me justify my answer” response that always repeats, “I’m not from Pittsburgh, I’ve just always liked them.”
Then I ask them who they rooted for in the beginning of the Cold War, followed by, if they were alive, who they sided with, Mussolini or Franco, circa 1940?
The point being, frontrunners are always the frontrunners towards fascism, human inequality and injustice. Ok, I understand, we are talking about sports here, not war. But we are talking about sports in the most historically progressive state in our great United States (please visit the Freedom Center in Cincinnati or Edison’s home in Milan for further support).

The reign of the human (in this case, Stillers fan), that can only be number one through their currently good sports team, is over. Your dad used to beat you (after he beat the dog) when the Stillers lost, and that is tragic. You’re still responsible for your actions. Your mother sold prescription pills on East 99th with an old torn-up Bradshaw jersey on… how horrible. It’s not how you came to like the Stillers, it’s the fact that now, even after an infinite amount of wins, you still have no identity. Your boss doesn’t like you (you’re actually about to get fired), your womb-less girlfriend just dumped you, and your football team, the one thing that made you feel victorious in life, has just pulled a “two chicks, one cup” on your face.

So what now? Leave the city of Cleveland and the state of Ohio. Please go try out Pittsburgh, so your mouth can be stained with the coal–infested pollution that has lead the natives to look so disgusting.

The Browns have 8 championships… and you will be forever, Gollum-like, trying to catch our perfection.
By Adam Doc Fox

3 comments:

  1. What the hell? both my parents went to college, got jobs, and are good people. I moved to ohio to have better job oppurtunities. and remind me, when is the last time the browns won the super bowl? oh thats right, never! is that what u call perfection? so stop trolling and come up with some arguements that make sense.

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  2. Sp.

    Opportunities
    You
    Arguments
    Cents (seriusly.)


    R.

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  3. um.. u moved to ohio for better job opportunities?..lol!! his trolling makes more sense. go browns!!!

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